CHEATING - Paddy

There we go, as promised a picture of alex, making a fool of himself as revenge for all the pictures of me he put up. Pictures that can now be accessed by the whole world on google images. That right there is true fame.
Today I was present at a momentous occasion, my local football team secured the second place in the lowly Blue Square South division and have therefore confirmed a place in the playoffs to qualify to the slightly less lowly Blue square Premier. Exciting stuff. On a more controversial football based promotion topic, QPR today confirmed their position as the best team in the second best division of English football. However, before all my avid QPR supporting readers get all excited, and I'm sure I have many avid QPR supporting readers, they may have achieved there position through cheating! Yes, cheating! According to some people they played a player who's playing was not allowed. This means they could have 15 points taken off and promotion snatched from the celebratory hands in the blink of a cold cheating eye.
For those of you who don't like football, heres another picture of alex to retain your attention:

He does in fact have my eyes there, so its the best of both worlds.
I'm now going to leave you, because you bore me. That's a lie please don't hate me. I actually have all sorts of stuff do like revision, and eating dinner, and watching tele, and probably more revision, and sleeping and what not. Until next month then my good fellows.

LUDA - Alex

Christopher Brian Bridges, or Ludacris as so many adoring fans refer to him as is one of my idols. Not only is he the best ever selling Southern US rapper, but he also has an award winning career as an actor. Also in a 2010 single he disclosed that he may or may not have a sex room where he lets the candles burn and he turns the lights down, apparently when you're body gets hot it'll get you licked up and iced down.

Tonight I am going to see a cinematic masterpiece in which Luda features heavily, obviously I am wittering on about Fast and Furious 5. I hope to see many loud vroom vrooms accompanied by a more than liberal helping of explosions, bikinis and Vin Diesel. Phwoar.

So far on this patriotic and emotive day I have done little of any interest. I watched the Royal wedding, Kate Middleton's sister is worth a poke. I hope that's not treason. Also I went for a leisurely drive with my fully qualified mother and then I cam home in order to destroy a German at Fifa, karma for them tonking us at the world cup. I now plan to play another came of Fifa and with any luck progress to the semi-finals of an online tournament. Kushty.

Lots of not good news - Paddy

As way of revenge, I was going to upload a picture of Alex in which his usually curled locks and been straightened and slicked. It was not a good look for him. Unfortunately I can not upload it from my mobile Internet device. Grr! It will make its way onto the blog eventually and I'm sure you're all very excited for it.
Something I'm looking forward to incidentally is the upcoming exam season. That is in fact a lie and I don't what to do exams at all. However they are fairly compulsory and if I'm to do well, I have to get cracking on my revision. I apologise for the briefness of this, please dont hate me. I love you guys.

I hope you don't mind - Alex

Most blogs me and Patrick do have some relation to the topic, and this blog is no different. Beyond any occasion being a good one to quote Elton John I also have something to apologise for, on Monday I did not post. I like to think you're the type of understanding reader that appreciates I was tired of a lot of traveling, also that day I had cut the grass and cleaned two cars. It was like slave labour, but there was only one difference, I had no one fighting my corner trying to stop it. Golly gosh. Anyway I'm sure you won't care, I'm boring and mundane.

And before I go into my usual blogging trance state I'd like to point out a mistake that "Paddy" made, he stated that Ricky Gervais was in the skillfully crafted team that I made myself on EA Sports creation centre, although Patrick has had every member of the team listed to him and he should have remembered that he is not in the squad. Silly Milnes. However I have created Reginald D. Hunter, and I'm sure that is to your delight.

Now I would like to quickly talk about the topic of  looking fly. Recently I bought a flat peak and I know I look bare swag when I wear it, however it also makes me feel darn silly. When I was in that foreign place recently I noticed that out there it seems that roughly one in three people look dangerously swaggerous, about a quarter look absolutely ridiculous. The remaining 5/12 of people seem to look just about normal. At one point not too long ago Pat (the guy I share this blog with, I mention him occasionally) went to a party and he put lots of effort into his outfit and he tried to look as good as he could. I'll attach the photo below, feel free to let him know what you think? Does he look super dapper?

3 minutes - Paddy

I know that by the time this is posted it won't be my day anymore, but I started it on my day (just) and that's what really matters isn't it? I apologise for this minor misdemeanor on my part, I was distracted by a mightily weird conversation I had with a friend of mine and before I knew it, it was offing late. I'm going to keep it brief and will write the next paragraph for exactly 3 minutes then title and post. Ready, steady, go!
Well I have no idea what quantity of blog will be written in 3 minutes so I'm unsure of what subject matter to pursue. Oh I know! Earlier Alex used the EA sports creation zone to create a squad of stand up comedians on FIFA 11. It consists of such comedy giants such as Michael McIntyre and Ricky Gervais, as well as less renowned comedians such as Alun "eating peaches on a train" Cochrane. It's called Comedy Fc and I recommend all you FIFA 11 players out there download it so alex's hard work is not put to waste. Also it'll make him feel loved.
I actually took about 3minutes 30seconds there, but it's my blog so sue me. Don't actually sue me though, my lawyer is a good one.

Back to the norm - Paddy

Today marks the end of the maverickal and free posting blogging of the last two weeks for today Alex returns home from his adventures in the large metropolis of Gotham City. He met batman. I joke! He's coming home from new york and met a black man. But I digress, with alex's return, we shall revert to the alternate posting days I imagine, me today, him tomorrow, me the next day, him the day after and so on and so forth.
Last week, I noticed that during my time in a Devon a german fan base sprung up seemingly overnight, with so many page views from the fatherland/motherland, I'm not sure which they prefer. I would like to say danke to all the Germans unless they are infect just tourists from elsewhere in which case I still say thank you, but in your own native tongues.
That'll do for today, and I'll leave you dribbling in anticipation for alex's delightful blog tomorrow. If he doesn't do one tomorrow I have egg on my face.

SURPRISE BLOG - Alex

Cuz I'm bare cheeky and have a few moments on my hands as well as an Internet connected computer I thought I'd give your eyes a sight they didn't expect until sometime over the weekend. Right now I am in New York City and I have been since Saturday, and here is a brief list of words that may help you imagine what New York is like;

Loud, tall and populous.

However it has some other characteristics...

Rude, busy and nice.

Patrick has been to New York before, and I'm sure that me and him have seen many of the same sights, but I shall give you a small account of some of the things I have done.

I went to the Empire States Building, they aren't too keen on people jumping of or bombing it and as a result they have airport style security and big metal fences that make photos look less good than they may have.

I went to the Statue of Liberty, it was raining and there isn't much room in her head. Technically I took an up skirt picture, but you know me ;)

I like Times Square, they give you free wi-fi. It is also pretty at night time.

And last but not least I got to go to Abercrombie and Fitch, blurgh. But on the way in there was a pretty black man standing at the door without a t-shirt on, he let me have my picture taken with him. You may see that photo at some stage, you may not, who cares?

Now I wish to go and listen to Bon Jovi, so as a last good bye I shall let you know a piece of lingo I have picked up over here.

WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?

Predinner blogging- Paddy

I have dinner in but a few moments so I will write my blog for as long as it takes my fajitas to be ready.
I recall the other day labelling myself a blogging maverick, this may now seem a little over the top as I have maintained a blogging habit of every other day despite the fact I have taken over alexs day. When he returns I'm sure he'll have something to say about this upon his return leading almost certainly to a brawl and the inevitable death of me as he pounds on my skinny White arse repeatedly for taking his day. And that's all I have time for, the mexicans are ready!

Maverick Llamas- Paddy

I know I said I'd do a proper blog recounting my return to civilisation yesterday, but then I realised with no Alex to regulate me I can post as and when I want to. No formulated every other days business for me! I can be a maverick of the blogging world, posting as and when I will! I could post twice in one day if such an urge took me.
Anyway, I promised you tales of llamas so here we go. We were driving along in Wiltshire about to go past a collection of large rocks that may or may not have been put there by aliens. Obviously I refer to stone henge, an attraction that many people slow down to look at and this forms queues. To avoid said queues we took a de-tour. It was this de-tour that took us past many farm animals, all the typical ones, horses, cows, sheep etc. But then! Then, we rounder a corner in the road and behold! A field of llamas! Llamas I tell you! An animal native to Peru in the middle of Wiltshire! Baffling I'm sure you'll agree, and that was the highlight of my entire life to this point. I haven't had a very interesting life.
I notice Alex used my absence to whittle his blogs down to only a few sentences of incoherent gibberish with no clear topics or subjects. This will not happen to my posts, unless of course I feel like it, because I'm a maverick!

I'm back - Paddy

Read the title. That'll be enough until tomorrow when it is my official blog day and I can recount you tales of my adventures in Devon. I actually saw an actually llama in Devon but more on that tomorrow.

Trousers - Alex

Today I bought a new garment for covering my legs. I also passed my theory test. My phone has also, somehow, acquired two new scuffs on the screen. To end the introduction I'll let you know that today I tried the limited edition black current flavour lucozade, it's average.

Right now I'm playing Fifa and listening to music. I need to go to the toilet, but I want to beat Werder Bremen first. I've done roughly 10-14 hours revision this week.

Once again a short blog, but I have to do some packing, sorry fans. This will probably be my last blog until I'm back, so for now I guess it's a good bye.

Luff yooh.

8-( - Alex

So much revision, so little time. Because of that all you're getting is this mind boggling task...

Prove to me that you aren't just fragments of my imagination.

Sesame street - Alex

And here I am once again with a small list of topics that I am ready to discuss with you, some of them in the news and some of them are things that I actually did. Now I don't want my transition into a proper blogger to be too quick and to alienate all of our fans (psh), so I will include a snippet of what I used to be like just to keep you all happy.

Willy, boobies, poo, bum and fart.

And now onto a proper story, the US government is donating twenty million dollars to Pakistan in order for a version of Sesame Street to be created in the language Urdu. My favourite part about this is that the US see it as necessary because many children have no access to regular schooling in Pakistan, so instead of funding actual schooling they make a puppet show. Twenty million must at least be able to build a hand full of schools, train all of the teachers needed for them schools and give out free school dinners. The main character is likely to be the 6 year old daughter of a peasant, and she'll have pig-tails. Also in reference to the light hearted nature of the original show  "She will represent what little girls have to go through in this gender-biased society,". And apparently her journey would inevitably touch on Pakistan's ongoing fight with militancy, but would not directly refer to religion. I guess that's going to be a hit then.

Yesterday I did stuff and it made me tired. I'm not used to having a completely full day, but yesterday seemed nigh on non-stop for me. The first thing I did yesterday after a cheeky rustlers burger for breakfast was stroll down to the supermarket in order to purchase ingredients for a meal I was cooking later in the day, MORE ON THAT TO FOLLOW. When I got back I was straight out into the sun again, washing off years of decay from my newly acquired automobile. I question how moss even found its way into some of the places it did, but I guess it is from up north, ruddy northerners. I then tried to T-cut it, because some of the panels had faded, but that made me sweat buckets so i stopped and had a shower instead. A day of hard labour it seemed. But I had a respite, until the mammoth task of cooking an actual meal popped up and tried to kill me. Tuna pasta bake should have been simple, but forgetting to turn the oven on, making the white sauce too thin and spilling it everywhere made me feel like a culinary Chuckle Brother. NIGHTMARE. It tasted good though, so I guess that's all that matters.

Final note, once again I proved that I suit flat peak caps. Better than Mexicans do anyway.

LOL - Alex

As just a beginning note I’d like to let you know that even though Pat is being the third wheel (just him and his parents, how adorable) in Devon I still only plan to fill you in every other day. However as I mature as a blogger I feel that I should develop from random ponderings into telling you how I feel about certain topics. Like Russell Howard's good news, but without funding, moving images or humour. Or a fan base now I think about it.

Where to begin? Well why not a potato headed funny man, Karl Pilkington. I always knew I found him funny, he's just unintentionally hilarious. I was a massive fan of the "An idiot abroad series", but until I stumbled across some of Ricky Gervais' pod casts yesterday I was only happy to sit back and appreciate conversations about him instead of joining in and loving the no-brained ninkenpoop. I hope this topic has engaged, hoping he still reads, a certain leopard print hat wearing muscular friend of mine.

Second theme, the term LOL has been entered into the bible of wordsmiths, the Oxford English Dictionary. What does LOL mean? Laugh out loud, but officially the given definition is as follows "used chiefly in electronic communications... to draw attention to a joke or humorous statement, or to express amusement". Do I care about LOL being in the dictionary? Not in the slightest, I care more about the naughty C words being in the OED, that's bare risky.

You're final piece of me for this disappointing text snippet is that I just had a screwball. But just as I was about to climax, pop the bubblegum in my mouth and BAM it's all stale and not gum like at all. I also have chocolate around my mouth because I ate a dark chocolate mini magnum, and hence look like a small child.

Good bye my lovers- Paddy

As I previously mentioned, I am venturing into the wilderness of Devon in the wee small hours of the morning. Therefore, this will be my last post for many moons, or sooner if I find somewhere civilised with an Internet. Until then I'm afraid Alex will have to satiate your hunger for wit, wisdom and whatever else it is you partake of our blog for. I hope you can all cope with out me, in fact I'm sure you'll prefer it with out me. We all know you come here for Alex, I'm just writing to fill in the gaps between his blogs.
Moving swiftly on before I spiral into depression and end it all, I have just placed a bet on a horse. I personally didn't place it, my big sister did because she's old and allowed to gamble legally. The horse I chose was for the up coming grand national on Saturday, and is the 16-1 rated Quinz. I have a good feeling about him and his jockey's blue shirt with a White star. It's a good look, thus he must win. Everybody knows that's the most important part of horse racing, not the conditions, not the age or weight of the horse, and certainly not the rider. Outfitting is all important in matters of equestrianism. That's a FACT. No doubt about it. Its irrefutably and undeniably true. Now that amount of certainty my seem a little odd from me, but it's a topic I have strong feelings about, and I'm sorry, that's just how I feel.
To be continued, but when? Nobody knows...

Musky man odour - Alex

Recently it has come to my attention that one of the easiest ways to get "poon-tang" is by smelling both fresh and somewhat fruity. Now currently I smell like a mixture of lady and sweat, this is down to me attempting to mask the smell of pale ginger boy in the sun by spraying on excessive amounts of body spray. However normally I smell "clean", at least that's what my antiperspirant can claims. Although of late I've been putting some thought into it, and it seems like in order to increase my flow of aforementioned "poon-tang" I should be smelling more like, as Isaiah Mustafa would phrase it, jet fighters and punching. Just as a rugged beard can make a lady weak at the knees, so can the smell of a well groomed manly mans man. The moral the story is to smell like you could eat a bowl of nails and live to tell the tail, but my dilemma is how to get to this difficult equilibrium without overstepping the line and just stinking like a lumberjack after a hard days work. I think I have an answer though, and just as Terry Crews and Isaiah Mustafa have I should start purchasing old spice deodorant products. Of course I haven’t been sucked in by a well thought through marketing ploy, instead I have deliberated for many days and nights and after my fat friend bought some old spice and let me smell his underarm I have finally grown the balls to make a decision. Old spice it is.

NEW PARAGRAPH. And just to send you insane a new font, that's the type of edgy character I can be. With me you never know what you're going to get, I can change for a risk taking, hard talking bad ass to an attentive and slow paced square faster than you can say "Alex, your current t-shirt is incredibly quirky". Sometimes I do wear quirky t-shirts, other times I don't wear anything. I prefer the latter. Mmmmm.

Curry but also Theroux- Paddy

Tonight I am going to my local curry house, Zaffron, with my family. Now I myself am not by any means a great eater of curries. I don't like hot spicy food or the texture if the sauces. It is for this reason I have already known my meal, and it is a dry meal, without sauce or dip. For my starter I will have some Lamb Samosas. This is the highlight of my meal in my opinion because I love the pastry type wrapping thing on the Samosas. It turns me on just slightly too much to be normal. After the delights of my starter, I will have a chicken tikka. 8 lumps of dry mildly spicy chicken goodness, accompanied by many many naan breads. I do love the naan bread. I describe my meal to you in this much detail because I can, and you have no choice but to read it. Well you could not read the whole blog but that would be silly.
Moving on from curry, to a completely untwisted subject of the Demi-god known as Louis Theroux (pronounced loo-ee thuh-roo). The man is sheer fantasticalness. He has such an awesome interesting and exciting life. He gets to meet such unusual and twisted characters and I believe he does probably the most interesting job in the world. I'm not sure I could cut the mustard though, in such situations as he does. I would not have the backbone to query a world renowned racist on his views or argue about the holocaust with a Nazi. For louis, however, these a common issues and he doesn't bat an eyelid at the threats he may receive. I aspire to be as interesting and diplomatic as Louis and what not.
Over and out!

Length matters - Alex

Despite what many people tell me I still believe that size matters. Unsurprisingly enough Patrick openly defends short ones, and at times he has claimed that they are in fact superior. Given that I still prefer to see a nice long one, it really can be a pleasant surprise. Of course I'm talking about blog length, and when I checked our humble blog yesterday I was underwhelmed and disappointed by what "Paddy" tried to pass as an entry. Not only did he seem to sponge off a topic that I had spent genuine minutes thinking up, but he didn't expand much on it. I feel that if blog entries could be directly compared to football teams then yesterday Pat did a Charlton, and no one wants that. I feel that my entries at least set me as a Swansea or a Nottingham Forest, still not very good, but at least better than the London based red wearing minnows. On the subject of London based football teams, I haven't got a clue what Mohammed Al Fayed was thinking erecting (lol) the statue of Michael Jackson. I KNOW I'M BREACHING THE TOPIC OF THE BLOG BUT I NEED TO FINISH THIS NOW. My bowels are calling.

Whimsical blogging- Paddy

Blogging should be done whimsically. This is my hypothesis and I intend to make it my fact. Recently, however, I find it ever harder to rouse myself to write something witty and amusing and humorous and light hearted for your reading pleasure. This is not good! This is very not good! I'm sure you'll all agree and I know Alex spoke of a similar subject yesterday and what not but I am selfish and wanted my opinion to be seen.
That's quite enough of that. Now I shall move on in my sad little life and give thee a warning of terrible things! On Saturday, the one in six days, I am leaving my beloved hoke town for one week to holiday in Devon. Due to the backwards nature of the countryside, it is unlikely I will be able to fulfil all my blogging duties for the week and you will have to cope with only Alex to amuse you and tickle your Internet blog based humour. I'm sure you'll all prefer it without me and I'll get depressed and drop a toaster in my rural bath. But hey ho, you win some, you lose some, as I like to say.

Mind f word - Alex

Prepare to have your mind blown, this shiz is heavier than Inception. The time is currently 22:50 on the 1st of April, and as the odds are that you're not simple I won't go on to explain that in fact it has been uploaded at a morning or evening time on the second of April. Charlotte as and when you get confused by the numbers and words feel free to text me seeking help understanding words, punctuation and their use together, I know what it must be like to be brainly challenged so I'm only here to help. P Diddy's character in the popular comedy film 'Get Him to the Greek' would refer to this scenario as a "mind naughty f word", because I'm effectively talking to you in future tense, whilst you're in the present and I'm in the past. Well I'm in the past for when you are now, as it stands I'm in the present for me. CRAZY. Do try to cope though, don't look too far into it either, not that I would expect you to, no one who reads this genuinely cares. Our blog has become a sheer money-making tool, and as time has progressed we have lost the pure artistry that just coursed through our veins. No longer do we paint mental pictures comparable to the Sistine chapel, and no longer do we tickle your brains with the wit and dry humour that made us so successful in the first place. For this I am sorry, I for one pledge to try to reminisce back to the days when you enjoyed our blogs. When they weren't a chore to read.

Oh and by the way casual reader, on Thursday Patrick appeared publicly to try and convince people to vote him into the powerful position of student president. I don't want to upset him by telling you how it went, and technically he could still win (PAH), but I hope this fills his little head with rage and makes him clench his fists. Poor little sausage.

It's a beautiful day- Paddy

The title of the blog is irrelevant to the subject matter, but i felt it had to be said.
Unfortunately I haven't really got much of an idea about what I'm going to write about today, so I may just witter and ramble and digress from my digressions until I end up with some semblance of a blog.
My sister is coming home today from her education at a university in a town called Exeter, Exeter University in fact. She will be home for a month, a month that includes Easter. Easter of course is the celebration on a bearded chap coming back from the dead. This seems to have been an unlikely turn of events but I don't want to get embroiled into a religious and ethical debate. But I digress as I am so prone to doing in these because it's easier than maintaining a steady and constant theme all the way through a blog, which is, especially in an unplanned blog like this, really hard to do.
I am interrupted halfway through typing this by the arrival of none other than the aforementioned uni-going sister. She says "hi" incase you are interested, and I'm sure some of you, I name no names, are. Grrrr back off Alex.
Anyhoo I have to go socialise with her n catch up n ting. Bye!